Making Contact
I am very uncomfortable striking up a conversation with
someone new and I cannot “work a room” with ease. This is something I have worked on and been
frustrated with for as long as I can remember.
When I meet anyone new, I am awkward at best. I cannot find the right words, stumble over
the wrong words, and generally do not make a good impression. At least that is the way it feels. The second meeting is easier. McKay, Davis, & Fanning (2009) refer to
this as fear of strangers and note that it comes from only two sources. Since I was not around in the nineteenth
century, it must come from my own self-depreciating internal monologue (p.
205).
I really do not know how I became this way, but I always have
been. I could argue that I am not afraid
of strangers, but that would be splitting hairs. I am not afraid of the person; I am afraid of
what they can do. No one likes to be
rejected or judged negatively. In that
first meeting, strangers have the power to do just that. I know that it is irrational on several
levels. During the first meeting I have
the same power, I know rejection is survivable, judgement is a reality--everybody
does it, and the other person is probably going through the same process that I
am. It makes little sense, but the
reaction seems automatic and out of my control.
It is a moment of self-consciousness and perhaps doubt. It passes in time, but while it is happening
it is difficult to focus on anything else.
McKay, et al., (2009) believe that coping with or conquering
the fear of strangers is possible. The
techniques they recommend are: analyze what you say to yourself, reframe your
approach behavior, reframe rejection, deal with the emotional blow when
rejected, and plan to get rejected (p. 206-209). These are all simple techniques or exercises
that will not hurt to try and they could actually help. Reframing approach behavior consists of
getting rid of unrealistic expectations and recognize the meeting as an opportunity
to have a conversation with someone new. Reframing rejection means that if and when you
are rejected, look at all the possible reasons for it and do not default to
“they hate my guts.” A few exercises can
help you to avoid negative internal monologue after being rejected. Under the technique ‘plan to get rejected’
the authors recommend approaching someone for the sole purpose of being
rejected. I cannot agree with that
method. Practicing on someone seems to
cross the line. While it may not be as
significant, I believe rejecting someone is also uncomfortable. I would not want to do that to anyone on
purpose.
The focus on this lesson is obviously on making contact with a
potential partner. But the information
within the lesson can be universally applied.
I got a number of take away ideas that will help me in my future
encounters with strangers. As the lesson
moves in on ‘making contact’ and ‘the art of conversation’ the information and
suggestions are absolutely spot on. I
especially liked the art of conversation.
We do not do it nearly enough anymore.
I believe the digital age is threatening to make conversation a lost
art. One-line, grammatically incorrect
statements with misspelled words, no punctuation, and smiley faces are the
preferred way to communicate nowadays.
The danger is it is too easy. It
requires no effort or immediate response.
There is no emotion or interaction involved. It is isolated and impersonal. It is everything a conversation is not. Okay, now where was I…
I have had first-meeting anxiety or fear of strangers all my
life. I do not avoid people because of
it. I introduce myself despite it. I have been uncomfortable meeting people all
over the world which is exponentially better than the alternative. I would prefer to meet people without
experiencing the anxiety but, in truth, anxiety is a small price to pay for
having met the people I have met. While
I was studying this lesson, one thing kept coming to my mind…can I incorporate
this lesson and still be myself? I
believe the answer for me is yes I can. You
have to be yourself when you meet new people because that is who you want them
to meet. It is important, change, grow,
and evolve-but always be yourself.
I will continue to try different techniques to reduce the
anxiety, but after dealing with it for so many years, I am content with it
being part of who I am. I may not be the
smoothest talker out there, but I am still talking.
~Pete
Reference:
McKay, M., Davis, M.,
& Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The communication skills
book. Oakland, CA. New Harbinger Publications Inc.
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