Subtleties of Communication and Hidden Messages
I have enjoyed writing since grade school. Through writing I learned to appreciate the
power of words. Words can enlighten,
inspire and create, but they can also hurt, mislead, or belittle when used
according to definition alone. When you
add the human factors of body language, paralanguage, and hidden agendas, words
can take on deeper meaning and/or tell a different story altogether.
Words account for just seven percent of the total message
delivered. The remaining 93 percent is
transmitted via paralanguage and body language to include gestures and facial
expressions. Often we are unaware of the
non-verbal messages we communicate. A
problem occurs when our non-verbal message contradicts our spoken words. Our non-verbal message is more believable
than the verbal. In this case the
audience receives a message different than the one you thought you delivered (McKay,
Davis, & Fanning, 2009). When our
non-verbal cues do not match up with their accompanying words or if the
non-verbal cues do not align with themselves our message is incongruent. Incongruence indicates a problem with our
message. It could be a lack of
commitment on the subject from the speaker, or personal conflicts with the
message. Either way the message is
considered suspect and the speaker’s effectiveness is reduced. For example, my unit was preparing for a
scheduled deployment. We were gathering
the equipment to support the deployment and getting it ready to be put on pallets for shipment. This is not a
complicated process, but it is tedious and can be confusing which is the state
we were in when the commander (my boss) arrived. When he asked the Airman how things were
going, he got the panic response of a confused and inexperienced Airman that thought
he had messed up the entire operation and truly believed he was in trouble. When
I looked at the issue, I knew what happened.
Correcting the problem would cost us a few hours but it was not going to
be a problem. Unfortunately the boss
could not 'un-hear' what the Airman told him.
So his direction was for us to start over and reprocess two days’ worth
of equipment. This would have actually
put us four days behind and was completely unnecessary. I tried to explain, but did not want to
disagree with my boss publicly so we walked and spoke privately. Unfortunately, he had convinced himself and
there was no changing his mind. I was
unhappy…no, I was angry. But the
decision was made. Now it was up to me to implement it as if it were my idea. I spoke to the team and explained why this
was the right way to correct the problem and I told them how we would
proceed. I was not able to convince them
that I believed what I was telling them and they called me on it. I was still angry when I talked to them. I was able to put words together to relay the
message, but not my nonverbal cues. They
asked me if I had gotten in trouble with the commander. What they told me was I was not acting
normal. I did not seem to be
myself. What they saw was incongruence
in my message. I explained everything again.
I was not happy to have the team redo work that I knew was good. But the boss’s way was not wrong, just a
little extra work. I learned that I
needed to calm down before I briefed the team.
There was no harm done and the work was completed. I still did not like that I compromised the
message. Emotions are hard to overcome.
Since speakers are often unaware of the non-verbal cues they
transmit, and non-verbal cues are such a large part of the total message, and
non-verbal cues are seen as more honest, the speaker has to become consciously
aware of and control their non-verbal cues to ensure the message they sends is
congruent.
McKay et al. (2009) stresses “awareness of incongruence in
your own non-verbal messages can make you a much more effective communicator”
(p, 60). It may not be easy, but it can
be done and it will be worth it. You will
learn when you are most likely to display negative non-verbal cues and the
associated feelings. Then you can work
on changing your reactions. Self-assessment
is one way to start becoming aware. Another
way would be to have a trusted friend evaluate and help. You
can also record yourself and objectively but critically view the
recording. It would not hurt to have
that friend watch with you. As you
become more aware of your own tendencies you can improve your message
congruency, the key to non-verbal communication (McKay et al., 2009).
Paralanguage is of the voice, it is not the words but how our
voice delivers each word. There are six elements:
pitch, resonance, articulation, tempo, volume, and rhythm. These elements are incredibility important
because they can tell who you are and how you feel.
Paralanguage is varied during normal conversations to avoid
becoming monotone and losing your audience.
A monotone voice sends the message that you are not interested in your message. All of us have known this person at some point. After a minute or two it is almost impossible
to listen to anymore. After another
minute, you are sorry you do not have an appointment with the dentist. I have known a few. One way to verify if you vary your
paralanguage is to seek feedback from a trusted colleague. McKay, et al., (2009) recommends “recording
yourself having a normal conversation.
Wait at least twenty-four hours before listening to the replay, so you
can be more objective….As you listen to the recording, consider the following:
1. Does your voice reflect what you want to say?; 2. Is your voice congruent
with the words you speak?; 3. Is there something about your voice that you
dislike?” (p. 73). Once the questions are answered, practice with the recorder
and change your voice and use that friend again.
I believe most people are guilty of using metamessages from
time to time especially those of us who have sarcastic tendencies. The metamessage is the second-level message
and communicates the speaker’s attitudes and feelings. Metamessages are largely from rhythm, pitch,
and verbal modifiers. Using the voice to emphasize a word, using inflection or
adding a verbal modifier change an innocent statement into an attack.
True metamessages are veiled attacks the speaker is afraid to
say directly. If on the receiving side
of a metamessage, you have to make sure it was an attack and then repeat out
loud what you think the speaker meant and ask if that is what they really
believe and intended. Not doing these
two steps will leave without knowing and the issue will not be resolve (McKay,
et al, 2009). This method will hopefully result in a direct conversation that is productive.
Hidden agendas are something most people do occasionally. If it becomes habit all the time it is
unhealthy and could require professional intervention. There are eight agendas: “I’m good”, “I’m
good (but you’re not)”, “You’re good (but I’m Not)”, “I’m helpless, I suffer”, “I’m
blameless”, “I’m fragile”, “I’m tough”, and “I know it all.”
There are two reasons that people use hidden agendas. The first purpose is to build and protect an existential
position in the world. The agenda
becomes an individual strategy for coping with core feelings of inadequacy. Secondly, agendas promote ulterior motives
and needs (McKay, et al., 2009). When I
read through the agendas, I must admit having hidden behind a few of them at
times in my life. I will pay closer attention
and listen to myself to understand how often.
I do not believe it is an issue for me but, no one does…
I have witnessed each of these hidden agendas in people I have
met over the years. To read the
descriptions in text, you would think that it would be immediately obvious in a
person’s behavior. It is not that easy
to spot, but once you do you cannot see anything else.
McKay, et al., (2009) insists that the agendas are adaptive
and serve a purpose, but ultimately your maneuvers isolate you. In the end, they wall you off from the relief
of being know and accepted for who you are” (p. 86).
It is hard enough to communicate effectively on a consistent
basis. It takes commitment and effort to
successfully transmit the message you intend to an audience and have that
audience receive that message and interpret it as you intended. But to work so diligently only to have your
own body language and vocal qualities betray you during the presentation just
seems wrong. It can be overcome; I
suppose I should add it to the list.
Reference:
McKay,
M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages:
The communication skills book. Oakland, CA. New Harbinger Publications Inc.
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