Appreciating Your “Real Self”
This course is about learning about myself, understanding myself,
intentionally changing myself, and as a result improving myself. These are difficult exercises and assessments
for me. It is uncomfortable to do, but
it revitalizes and tunes me in to how I think and why I think how I think. When I plotted out my lifeline, it was just a
collection of dates. Zooming out and
changing perspective, I saw my life.
From 1982 to 2005 in my personal/family life there was never a dull
moment. During this time, I married, we
had two daughters, bought our first home, I completed three degrees, my oldest
sister died which affected me deeply and still does 30 years later, my father
died, and we moved five times.
My professional life on the life line represents my entire
military career. From 1982 to 1995 my responsibilities
change every two years on average. In
1995, I was put in a leadership position at the flight level. This was the first time I was responsible for
the leadership of multiple elements or teams. I would be promoted two more times after this
job. While my title, scope, and
authority changed, the job was basically the same. My last ten years in the Air Force was
leading leaders who lead leaders.
Generally, they did not need my help and when they did, they did not
want it. Most days I wandered around
talking to the youngest of the Airmen to determine what really needed to be
fixed.
I was surprised what this exercise illustrated for me. As I lived it, I always believed that I had
progressed quickly from the hard work of the flight line to the work I really
wanted to do. And actually, I did. I loved being a leader, helping people
succeed and getting the job done. But, I was most alive and felt at my best
when I was learning, working, training and changing while also being a husband,
starting a family, and learning to be a dad.
It was exciting, different every day, productive, and just a little
chaotic. The transition between
promotions, duties, and authority at the lower ranks was not profound. What it
normally meant is that you would be sent for training at some point. Sometimes it meant you would get a direct
report, but day-to-day you continued to do the same work with the same
people. Of course, this was not the case
for those promoted to E-6 and higher.
The transition at that level was more deliberate and pronounced, as were
the duties. It is at this point the Air
Force expects emotional stability and intelligence. Previous friendships have to become
professional relationships. The
transition at this level is uncomfortable at best but what emerges is a leader
that is fair and consistent with all of his or her teammates regardless of
previous relationships. It is indeed a
difficult transition. Many people
struggle with it.
When overlaying the rhythms of my career with my life line
something else became obvious-to me. Upon
retirement from the Air Force, negativity prevailed. I went to work for a good company doing meaningful
work. It truly was a good job. The structure that I was used to was no
longer there in any recognizable form. I
floundered for a while. Nothing felt
right. There was no sense of urgency,
and it appeared no one really cared. I
also had ethical concerns about how the company communicated with the customer.
I was never able to see it for what it
really was…me. I was holding them to a
standard that simply did not apply. I
had never given thought to transition before and I did not get that it was not
something being done to me, but something I was doing to them and myself
(McKee, et al., 2008). The anxiety from
this literally made me ill and it played a large role in my home life. Thinking I was good, I took another job, this
one in Saudi Arabia. I left it after a
few months based on their deceptive hiring practice. This time I was in the right. But that did nothing to pull me away from the
negative emotional attractor. McKee, et
al., (2008) discusses the importance of understanding how we as individuals
normally work through the transition period.
Understanding this about ourselves can help us to make adjustments when necessary.
Much like a transformation where a “new form
emerges” in response to an environment that is continually changing
(p.118). This new you can more
effectively make the transition.
The Air Force understands transitions. It provides lecture
/discussions that cover common transition issues at all service levels. Ceremonies are often used to mark a formal
transition. Induction ceremonies mark
the transition from Airman to the non-commissioned officer corps, acceptance
into the Top Three group on base, and induction into the Chief’s Group. Everyone is encouraged to attend to hear the
Creed read aloud, hear the orders posted, and witness each individual commit to
their new responsibilities. Theses
ceremonies help by announcing to everyone that this job is now your
responsibility and the Air Force expects you to do it.
When someone retires, they are invited to attend a week-long
workshop called TAP or Transition Assistance Program. I attended but left after the first day based
on the course schedule of topics. In
hindsight, it was probably a bad choice.
The Air Force focuses on how to conduct yourself in an interview, how to
fill out an application, and many other topics along the same lines. How to do things would not have helped
me. Why an Air Force mentality may not
be the best lens from which I should view civilian companies/workers, is what I
needed. This viewpoint can become so
deeply rooted that if you are not at least aware, you can embarrass or even
damage yourself and disrupt operations for the company. I did eventually realize I had fundamentally
different views or placed fundamentally different priorities on the same
view. Things end badly when that happens.
I failed to transition effectively from active duty military
service to the civilian workforce. Still
stuck in the negative, I did evaluate myself and I made some changes. When you get into a place so negative that it
hides hope, changing perspective can break the cycle. So, I took a job that had been previously
offered to me. It was one of those ‘once
in a life time’ deals and I needed a change desperately. Therefore, I packed my bags and moved to
Saudi Arabia. After four months or so of
what I thought was returning me to positivity, I was presented an updated contract
that significantly changed the agreement that I signed when I decided to accept
the job. I raised my concern about and
objection to the new contract up the chain.
There would be no negotiating, no apology. I felt I had intentionally been deceived. I made my point as clear as I could. I had heard and seen enough. I refused to sign and and I walked away. Being right does not automatically make a
negative situation positive. I had to
evaluate my circumstances, own my part, and deliberately take the first step
away from the negative. Since that time,
I have made changes in my life that have led me back to the positive emotional
attractor. The things that drew me to the
negative emotional attractor are on my shoulders. I accept that.
Negativity can and does create more and more negativity. Until something
is done to interrupt its cycle.
Understanding the importance of transition would have helped me recognize
the situation earlier and may have prevented some of the insanity that I endured. But I now believe that all of the insanity
was really a wake-up call that I had to acknowledge and address before the
cycle would break. Today my outlook is
different, my direction is different, what I see as important is different, and,
finally, my emotions are different. I am
making positive changes and I like where they are taking me.
Our social identity and roles shape who we are and affect how
we view ourselves as well as how others see us.
Understanding our social identity is therefore important for us to be
able to own our roles. The higher up in
the organization we go, the more likely, people will start to see us according
to our roles. “People are more likely to
treat you as a role rather than as a person” (McKee, et al., 2008, p 121). Many of our social identity factors are out of
our control like race, gender, and ethnicity.
Others we take on as necessary like parent, friend, or boss (McKee, et
al., 2008). These identities and roles
often affect us more than we realize. If
we are to truly understand ourselves, we have to explore these social
identities and roles and come to understand how we fit into our organizations,
communities and families from the social perspective (p. 121).
The authors are correct in my case. I have never given any thought to how my demographics
or the personal roles in my life affect my behavior, attitudes, or
feelings. I also have not thought about
it affecting the way I see myself and the difference in how others may see
me. While social identity and roles is
not a normal topic of conversation, it does make sense that a new parent’s
outlook on raising kids would be different from someone without kids or a couple
with three kids. It is not just their
outlook, but their decision making and behavior will be different.
The roles in my life now are simpler than they have been in years.
The roles I engage in on a daily basis
are: grandfather, father, brother, friend, mentor, and community member. These are all roles I am conscious of and
take seriously. My social identity can and
does affect how I approach each of these roles and not necessarily always in a
good way. Being aware of social identity
can mean the difference between effective and non-effective interactions. For example, in the television series All in the Family, Archie Bunker had
very few effective conversations with his son in law (or anyone for that
matter). Perhaps an extreme case, but he
was either unaware of his social identity or did not care. Awareness of his social identity and how
others view him would have allowed him to adjust the way he approached his role
with the son-in-law paving the way for a healthy relationship to develop. But the show would not have run for 10 years
because healthy relationships just do not have the same entertainment value. A less obvious example would be if you were
raised in an environment where bad behavior resulted in you getting a spanking,
then your role as a parent will most likely include spanking. Being aware of that part of your social
identity allows you to consciously change that behavior in your role with your
own children. If you are not aware, then
your actions could be automatic. After
spanking your child for bad behavior, you may wonder why you reacted so harshly
or wish you had not spanked your child.
Awareness is the key to developing each role and effectively each
relationship. I am not advocating or
condoning spanking. It is just an
example, however the way you approach the different roles in your life should be
a conscious decision.
I consider each role to be equally important, yet my behavior,
actions, even my vocabulary is different in each role. Otherwise, I could not have an effective
relationship with anyone of them.
Community member is not a leadership role, but it does require specific
communication skills. I do not actively think
about the different roles or identities, but I switch between all of them
naturally without giving it a thought. I
believe that being aware of your social identity and using it to appropriately establish
the roles you use to develop meaningful relationships is closely related to and
perhaps dependent on your emotional intelligence. Unfortunately, I found no literature to
support or refute my belief. Nor could I
find literature to support social identity as it is presented in this lesson.
The identities and roles do affect how I engage with the
different relationships in my life. I consider
them all as developing relationships. I
do believe we situationally change or add social identities and roles for new
environments. For example, when I joined
the Air Force and got to my first duty station, I did not feel as though I fit
in. I did not talk, act, or think like
the people I was working with. I changed
my behavior to match what I believed to be the acceptable norm, my thinking
soon followed suite.
We also need to assess our strengths. By assessing our strengths, we are also
identifying our weaknesses. McKee, et
al., (2008) explains that if we are leading from our strengths we are tapping
into the positive emotional attractor. As
a result, we will be hopeful, strong, and feel good about ourselves. The positivity from becoming aware of our
strengths will help when it becomes time to make changes (p. 132), perhaps to
address the gaps. I have evaluated what
I consider to be my strengths. I am
sincere, fair, and consistent. I am compassionate.
I am a good listener. I know and understand my people. I have above average emotional
intelligence. I am level headed and do
not judge or jump to conclusions. I am
good at helping young people develop their skills. And, I have good problem-solving skills. My people rarely disagreed. They often added technical abilities that
helped them and troubleshooting techniques that helped them solve system
problems. I really appreciate comments
like those. There are things I do not
feel as comfortable doing. Dealing with
direct conflict is one example. I tend
to come on too strong dealing with adults fighting like kids. I tend to force my solution on to their problem. I am conscious of it and working on different
approaches to resolve these situations.
~Pete
Reference:
McKee, A., Boyatzis, R., & Johnston, F. (2008). Becoming a resonant leader: Develop your
emotional intelligence, renew your relationships, sustain your effectiveness.
Boston, Massachusetts. Harvard Business School Publishing,
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