The High Cost of Conflict
I know what conflict can do in my life. I am one who avoids conflict if at all
possible and when not possible, I find a way to accept the blame versus
engaging in conflict. However, that is
not always possible.
At one time I owned a few rental properties. I was still new at the game when a woman
contacted me and wanted to look at a house I had advertised in the paper. We agreed to meet the following day. She was right on time. She was elderly and was in a wheelchair. She appeared to be in bad health. She was pleasant enough. She explained she was recovering from surgery
and she expected to be back on her feet in a week or two. I let her in to look at the house. She was crazy about it and really wanted to
rent it right then. She completed the
application which looked favorable. I
normally verified a few items on the applications I received, to protect
myself. She was visibly disappointed
when I told her I would let her know within the next two days. She said I am not going to get it, am I? Then she told me her entire story and I believed
it all. She really liked the place. I did not see a reason not to, so I decided to
get her into a rental agreement. I could
check her application at any time. She
paid the first and last month’s rent and the security deposit in cash. We signed the lease, I gave her the key, and
I went home, pleased with the deal.
When rent came due, I called, but got no answer. So, I left her a message to call me back. She did call back to tell me she was in the
hospital. Her recovery had not gone as
expected, but she thought she would be home in two or three days. I wished her well and thought nothing more
about it. She did not call me back, so I
called her. Again, I got no answer, so I
left another message. I was becoming suspicious,
but told myself I was overthinking the situation. She never returned my call. I called every day and got no answer. I went to the house and knocked on the
door. She was not home or did not
answer. This went on for weeks. When she was two months late and I had not
heard from her, I called and left a message that I would be going in the house to
do a safety and security check in two days.
I was beginning to think something bad may have happened to her. This time she called back almost
immediately. She assured me everything
was okay; she was having to stay with her sister until she was in a little
better health. At three months overdue I
posted a 5-day notice on her door. I
also left a message on her voicemail. By
now the pattern was there, she owed me a lot of money, and had no intention of
paying. I tried to evict her, but had no
clue what I was doing and missed something in the process which cost me another
month. I was furious.
Two days later I was flying to Seattle on business. I was reading up on eviction laws and
processes. The man sitting next to me
was a lawyer. He did work for several
rental property owners. He and his
partner had developed a process to get unwanted tenants out, guaranteed. The landlord had to post the 5-day
notice. If unresolved on the sixth day,
the landlord would call his office, provide the address and tenants name and
they took care of the rest. The total
fees came up to $200. He gave me his
card. His office was less than five
miles from my house.
The next time I called my renter, she was not happy. She said her health was not good and I would not stop harassing
her and she did not have that kind of money anyway.
I stopped her, up to that point she assured me money was not the
problem. From there the conversation
became angry and not productive. She
told me she had not been able to stay in the house most of the time because of
her health and she wanted me to adjust what she owed accordingly. I told her I would not do that. She got even madder. She was cursing me, threatening me with legal
actions, and threatening me with physical harm.
At that point, I had a few responses for her but opted to tell her I
would talk to her soon. The next day I
posted a 5-day notice on her door and called the lawyer I met on the way to
Seattle. He advised me not to sue her
because it would be more trouble than it was worth. I filed suit for owed rent, court costs, and
lawyer fees. I was awarded all
three. I never saw any of the
money. My lawyer was true to his
guarantee. She and her belongings were gone
seven days after I posted the notice. I
did not ask how he made that happen and he did not offer to tell me. I paid him the $200 the judge ordered her to
pay.
I used that lawyer from that point forward. I was never disappointed.
I never heard from or saw her again.
This conflict was never resolved nor was it ever a collaboration. The financial costs were extreme. The emotional costs were even higher. I held myself partially responsible because I
did not check any references or anything else for that matter. She had taken me from the beginning and I let
her get away with it. And the list goes
on. If I had waited to rent until I had
checked her application, it would not made any difference. She had done this before and unfortunately
would do so again. After some time I
accepted what happened as a lesson learned.
Still the mental and emotional toll was significant.
This conflict never got out of the old way of thinking for her
or me. She was intent on living in the
house without paying rent. There was no room for abundance. She was going to get what she wanted, but I would
not. At first, I thought we had
established a partnership. I was wrong. According to Levine “people who are working
together often waste resources because they do not have a clearly articulated vision
of where they are going and how they will get there. They will waste more resources resolving the
inevitable conflicts that surface” (Levine, 2009, p.53). He is right. I wasted time, energy, and money every day. I never had the chance to try creative
solutions but since then, I have successfully used creative ways to help tenants keep up
with rent during difficult financial times.
Her primary technique for getting what she wanted was avoidance. Her avoidance kept me focused on the problem,
in constant conflict, and ready for the next fight. Although I had a signed lease that said we
were in a long term collaboration, I never saw anything but short term issues.
At first I operated with feelings and intuition as my guide. I considered her health and her need to find
a place to live and I used my intuition to sign the lease that day. Her intentions were bad from the beginning
and she used mine against me. Then she
stopped talking as soon as I put the key in her hand. She took advantage of me. So, I wanted to win the war after losing so many
battles. I was obsessed with winning. It was probably because I was embarrassed
that she could take advantage of me so easily.
I wanted to be able to say I won so much that I went against my lawyer’s
advice.
He was right. I won in
court. She was ordered to pay, but did
not. It was empty and another example of
me wasting resources. There was no
victory celebration. Finally I allowed a
third party to resolve the problem for me.
I had been spinning my wheels for months without any real success to
claim, he fixed it in two days. Finding
his skill set was the only positive thing that came out of this ordeal. I learned more than a few lessons from it,
but the whole thing still leaves a bad taste.
I realize this conflict was unusual and probably different
than this lesson requested. It takes two
to collaborate; without collaboration one tends to get stuck in the old ways of
thinking. I do not believe I could have
done anything to change the outcome of this relationship. Her intent from the beginning was to deceive. The costs were high in all four
categories. Direct costs included lost
rent and lawyer fees. Productivity took
a hit because I was spending inordinate amounts of time trying to collect and
when I was not, I was frustrated about it and thinking of what to do next. My other interests suffered as a result. Continuity costs fortunately did not fully develop,
but I did neglect my relationships with my family. The emotional costs were the highest. I still question my judgement about people and
I still let it take me to anger sometimes.
The event still takes up space in my brain and it may for some time to
come.
The primary lesson I learned was to definitely enter into
collaborative relationships but do so with care, the trust required to make
collaborations successful also makes you vulnerable.
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